I am the chaos and you are the cosmos
Friday, January 1, 2010
Starting anew has always been smth i struggled with all my life. Be it for my essays, be it for blog posts, be it for ice-breaking, be it for new years. The beginning is one of the toughest things to get past. I guess it's because we're afraid of what's to come, and what's alrdy gone and not reclaimable. We're afraid of making mistakes and flaw-ing this fresh new piece of paper. We're afraid of the pain we have to go through to get it filled. Because we are selfish people. It is when we learn to let go of what we've been stubbornly clinging on to that we can find someone else, something else. Because most of the times it's not that we can't, it's that we don't want to.
The memories they etch in me like rusty hooks clinging onto my heart. Attempts to swallow the bitterness down my throat to make it all go away only fail and make me sink in deeper. Some people runaway for a getaway. Some people hide amidst, trying to blend in. Some people mend other people's brokeness in place of their own. Others take on the weight on their shoulders. As for me, I've done all of the above but these stubborn hooks wouldn't leave me alone. Then i realise that what i've been trying to rid myself of the whole time was me. It was a part of me which I loved so deeply, and the same part which I absolutely hated. And I never realised how much of myself have been carved away after all these years.
From time to time every bliss that falls into my life would be taken into comparison with the state of bliss I used to be endowed with. And yes, they would all be second best. But now it seems that a new phase is pulling me into its vacuum, beginning to unveil its promises to my perforated heart, beginning to look more like the first chapter of a story, no longer another follow up story of my old book. This is not a love story.
You've got this new head filled up with smoke. I've got my veins all tangled. But I've got this gut feeling that everything feels right. It has been so long since I neglected the judgements of the world; so long since I let myself go without fear of judgement. There is so much the world doesn't understand. The world which comprises of stalkers who try to put me down, of critics who only see one side of my world, of shallow minds with only space in store for worldy materialism. To this big bad world: give up already, I've got God, my family, and my friends on my side, you're fighting a losing battle.
Through these months I've learnt soooooooooo much. Through the isolation, through finding the light in the dark, through giving all of myself, through the tongue lashings I receive from Kavita Pandey to not give in to evil, through the love that I have received, though the pain i've endured, I have definitely grown alot in 2009 and even though i don't remember the resolutions i made for the past year, I've got a feeling I exceeded expectations.
From where I'm standing right now the world looks so beautiful and I wish I could share it with everyone I love. Mock me, laugh at me, for being in my own world my own bubble but you know what, I love it in here and I have never felt more blessed and fortunate. This new year ahead, Lord Father may you guide me with the angels around me as I follow you into the dark or wherever you go. I want to help you carry out your plans and impact as many lives as I can. Forgive me for all the materialism, bad thoughts, wrongdoings, disobedience, idleness, greed, selfishness I harboured and help me learn to do so to others too. For I know that everything horrible that I'm going through, you've been through it. The humiliation, the mockery, the disdain looks of the world who doesn't understand. I will continue to hope and pray that someday these people will realise how minor and incessant their fight is and see the big lovely picture. As for me and my brokeness I lay here in full faith that you'll heal me in time. Catch me as I fall, because I trust in you.
Love you my world. Free hugs to all who donated joy into my bubble! Hello 2010, here I come(:
xoxo
posted by minthol cigarette. # 4:17 PM 
FUN TIMES
December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 September 2011
HOOK-A-GEEK PARADE
JOY BUTTON
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]