I am the chaos and you are the cosmos
Monday, November 8, 2010
for better or for worse.
I am suddenly fatigued. Drained as though i've travelled through the 18 years I've lived on a train. In this time period when my closest friends are not by my side I feel a perpetual need to learn to be independent. As though this is training for the near future where I would be the one having to distance; isolate myself away from everyone else to study. At the moment I feel as though I'm being intoxicated by the kind of sick you experience when you cross the line from freedom and independence over to loneliness; too much isolation. The worst part of it being the subtleness of it when in the midst of preparation you find that you're already on the other side. I feel a sense of victory yet self-pity at the same time for moving along with what is being thrown at me, breaking and mending things along the way.
For every thing that triggers a tear or breaks a heart-string it somewhat fuels your adrenaline as it puts you in a position where you expose your weaknesses for that split second and you make an unexpected self-discovery. It empowers you most of the time, but at times you wish you never knew that about yourself as sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
It is between the unexpected transitions between your old self and your new one where you feel most naked. As though you are in the midst of some sort of creation that is meant for nobody to witness. It is where beliefs are being manufactured, where thoughts and memories begin to swell and sink their claws in. Most importantly, the place where you're not in control of your own mind anymore.
I've been all too numbed to my innate resistance against ridiculous status quos and conventions in my humble opinion, yet I suddenly find myself being mildly intoxicated and curious about what I've been meaning to avoid. Nevertheless, I am certain that almost immediately I feel a familiar, yet discomforting force pulling me back to the reminders of the pain, risk and folly that it so slyly entails.
For better or for worse.
For every thing that triggers a tear or breaks a heart-string it somewhat fuels your adrenaline as it puts you in a position where you expose your weaknesses for that split second and you make an unexpected self-discovery. It empowers you most of the time, but at times you wish you never knew that about yourself as sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
It is between the unexpected transitions between your old self and your new one where you feel most naked. As though you are in the midst of some sort of creation that is meant for nobody to witness. It is where beliefs are being manufactured, where thoughts and memories begin to swell and sink their claws in. Most importantly, the place where you're not in control of your own mind anymore.
I've been all too numbed to my innate resistance against ridiculous status quos and conventions in my humble opinion, yet I suddenly find myself being mildly intoxicated and curious about what I've been meaning to avoid. Nevertheless, I am certain that almost immediately I feel a familiar, yet discomforting force pulling me back to the reminders of the pain, risk and folly that it so slyly entails.
For better or for worse.
posted by minthol cigarette. # 11:01 PM 
FUN TIMES
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HOOK-A-GEEK PARADE
JOY BUTTON
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